his eye is on the sparrow

why should i feel discouraged?
why should the shadows come?
why should my heart feel lonely...and long for heaven and home?

when Jesus is my portion, a constant friend is He
His eye s one the sparrow so I know He watches me

...and I sing because i' m happy...i sing because i' m free.


this hit me hard last night. i haven't been turning to God lately...but to anything else i can grab hold of. i was finding my hope and happiness in others, in friends, in busyness....trying to block out the pain, the fear, the doubt. it all came crashing down last night and i just started singing this song. if God's eye is on the sparrow, how much more does He watch me and care for me? if he gives good things to the sparrow, how much more will he give good things to me, His child?

even knowing this, i haven't been believing, truly understanding it and what it means. i need to trust that His eye is on me. I need to believe deep down in my heart and spirit that He loves me, He knows what's going on, and everything will be ok because He is in control.

thoughts

i've been thinking a lot about the future and how everyone is running around, trying to figure out what to do with there lives; including myself. there is so much worry, so much panic and tenseness mixed in the air, along with excitement and dreaming and wonder. however, have we gone to far? i see less smiles, less heart following, and more money driven people with the notion that doing something society deems as sucessful, will make them happy, accepted and living the perfect life. but when we stop to think and look around us, the evidence is clear that we have it wrong. suddenly we don't have time; time for quality moments with people. we worry more about making money than making a difference. we look more towards what other so called successful people are doing and have, and less at what we have been given, which we can use ourselves to create our own unique success; our own unique difference. what is success anyway?

this is me today.

Life in Malaysia!

Hii... much love to all. i have had many people ask me when i was going to blog on here...and to be honest i sorta forgot about this thing! so here we go...

Malaysia is great! It is such an awsome place, the people are amazing..so friendly. Malaysia is made up of mainly three people groups, the malays, the chinese, and the indians...so it is a very culture rich place to live. The food is awsome..one of my favourite parts about malaysia so far:) They have everything!! One of my favourite meals is Banana Leaf!! Malaysia is quite hot and tropical, and i am still trying to get use to the heat. It feels wierd having this kind of weather in the September! I'm so use to having fall this time of year. I can only imagine how christmas is going to feel. My school is great and so are the people. In my class there are 9 of us and lots of nations are represented...2 canadians, 2 Americans, 3 chinese from malaysia, and 2 from England . There are other schools going on here at the same time and in those classes, there are people from all of the places i mentioned, plus Indonesia, China, India, and Germany! So yeah, our base is full of people from everywhere and it adds a lot of flavour...dinner time is especially fun when we all gather! I started classes last monday. WE are doing the Kairos course for this week, which is all about God, cultures and world missions. It has been really interesting, but tough because they have taking a semester long course and squished it into one week!

As far as adventure and fun, i have done some pretty cool things since being here. I have had a tour of downtown Georgetown(Penang) and got to see lots of hindu and buddhist temples, and muslim mosks. The streets in the downtown are intense! So many sights and smells. It is crowded because there are many people here, and they drive super fast...not to mention on the left side of the road(still trying to get use to that). They don't really stop at all the stop signs here either which can be scary. They also don't have to wear their seat belt! But it is a really rewarding experience to be amongst all these people, esperiencing there daily lives. The streets are colourful! You will walk down a street and it will be mainly indian, full of sari and punjabi shops, spices shops and indian food(curry is sooo good), hena stalls, bangle(bracelet) stalls, cows....it is just sooo colourful. then you will come into a chinese neighbourhood and the street will be lit with chinese lanterns and it is soo beautiful...again awsome food...it doesn't matter which people group your experiencing here, the food is to die for!

I also got to go to this secluded beach that we had to take a fisherman boat to get to. It was phneominal!! Lush tropical jungles surround the beach..growing on mountianous landscapes! Emrald green water(not everywhere in penang tho), starfish, lots of fish..not all nice! One girl got stung by a jelly fish, but it is acually rare to get stung because they only come at high tide and therefore, people know not to swim then...not us tho, but we now know! It was an awsome day at the beach tho...which ended with a spontaneous time of worship.

They also welcomed us with a 'welcome to malaysia' feast! We all dressed up in traditional malay, chinese or indian dress and had an evening full of great food and entertainment, as well as lots of information given about malaysia and its people. It was I think my favourite time so far, along with the beach day.

On base, there are a bunch of houses that everyone lives in and also there desinated houses for meals, classrooms, prayer times, and so on. I live in a house called Thailand with 2 of my leaders, Andrew and Gretel(from Australia, married), Jayme, another leader, and then 2 other students, both girls. So yeah, a house full of girls and one boy! Good times! All of the houses hanve names of different countries in asia. The community we live in is really nice...it acually backs up into the jungle! But this doesn't mean i live in a small village! I live is a big city, just on the outskirts.

So as you can see, I am absolutely loving it here. I have made some really awsome friends here, that are going to be be lifelong friends! They are soo amazing...and we all share a similar heart to see God move through these nations and to see people blessed! I know God really planned for all of us to be together at this time. We all fit together so perfectly and our personalities match and just flow together! Everyone brings there own unique flavour and cultural background with them, which is the coolest thing in the world. I have also met some other really amazing musicians here and worship is reall good. This one guy, Chor Ee, who is from Penang and is a student leader here, leads worship most of the time for DTS and he is really good! I know we are going to get a long really great!

OK this is long and who kows if anyone even made it this far. I love you and miss you..it's true...even though i am havig this grand adventure, i still mis my home town and family and friends. I miss fall leaves changing colour and i am going to miss snow for christmas! So remember that i am thinking of you often!..until my next post..

love always, andy

Morgan Freeman= ahhhh the man knows how to speak a line!!

add in emotional background movie music now.

now add in Morgan Freeman's deep, emotional meaningful voice...

"I find I'm so excited I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. I think it's the excitment only a free man can feel. A free man at the start of a journey, who's conclusion is uncertain. I hope I can make it acroos the border. I hope to see my friend and shake his hand. I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams... I hope.

Morgan Freeman (Shawshank Redemption)


amazing movie! this line at the end gave me chills. he is such a great actor flippin love this movie. i cried, i laughed, a was angry, i was perplexed, i felt so many emotions during this movie. one of my new favourites. I can't believe i hadn't seen it before! this line speaks to me....it really moved me. i just felt a connection with this line and my heart right now, as i prepare to leave on sunday. anyhoo, this whole post is random....

but that is me.

faking strength

these past few days have been hard. i'm drained, and if i seem strong on the outside, i'm faking it. i'm feeling really tested. crap keeps happening, and i don't know how much more i can take. faith wise, i feel like i'm taking one step forward, and then two steps back. things that once seemed so easy to understand, are now so trivial. relationship that were on the mend, suddenly crash again. maybe i should pray about it...i just feel so distant from God today. i'm terrible at this whole walk of faith thing....as soon as the going gets tough, i'm lost and angry at him. my sister's sick again, the car broke down, and trip complications are all getting the best of me. i find myself just crying. i don't want this again...things were looking up for a while; i had a healthy perspective. it's all fading...

words are powerful. the things you do and say can really affect people deeply; so are the things you don't do and don't say. each days reveals to me how complex life really is, and it seems the older i get, the less i know. i lack wisdom... i don't seek it diligently like some....maybe i should. i want to be someone who reveals an honest heart. so this is it. this is me being honest. i don't feel worthy of much right now. i'm second guessing myself on everything. should i go to malaysia? maybe all of these trails are here for a reason...maybe God is showing me i'm not suppost to go. or maybe i'm using that as an excuse, because i'm scared out of my mind to go. my self confidence is low. i don't like admitting that......because confidence is beautiful. i wish i were more confident for this reason, and radiated beauty. i don't feel very beautiful right now. some people tell me i am, but i honestly don't feel like any boy would look at me and see someone beautiful. i'm still trying so hard to focus on the inside, in a world where people focus on the outside. it's hard.

seeing many of my friends in awsome relationships, some getting married; all of it makes me want the same. one of the desires of my heart is to get married and raise a family. while many people dream of geting the job of their dreams, becoming famous, or getting rich, i dream of a family. sharing life with one special person..a best friend, through good and bad, laughter and arguements. someone to grow old with. the experience of raising a child; silly things like taking them to soccer practice, or making them soup when they're sick, and staying up all night with them. to me it is so beautiful. maybe it all sounds silly...maybe it's not, i really don't know. all i know is, these are things i feel.

knowing everyone goes throught these times helps, but at the same time, no one seems to share about this stuff....i wish they did. we shouldn't be so afraid to show our vunerability. life would be more rich if we did. no one needs to hear this more then myself. writing this blog has been good for me. now i'm going to be vulnerable and push publish post. 'therefore, it is in your best intrest to fine a way to be very tender'.

tears on my pillow

Tears on my pillow.. Malaysia might not happen:( yeah..i found out today that i need a visa after all and i'm not sure if i can get one in time. when i phoned the Malaysian Consulate earlier, they told me that because i was only staying in Penang for three months, and then leaving to go to another country(our outreach), i wouldn't need a visa. Visas are only required for stays longer then 3 months, but Because my ticket is round trip, it shows that I'm gone for six months...so the airline will think i'm in Malayisa for 6 instead of three and will ask for a student visa. The thing with applying for a student visa is that they need a letter from your school as proof that your acually here as a student...this is a problem because my school is a christian school and Malaysia is a Muslim country. They might not let me in if they know that I'm coming to go to a missions school. And even if I explained to them that I'm leaving three months in, they need proof(a ticket) which we don't have yet because we don't even know where we are going. It is sooo late and I have spent the whole night on the phone crying with my aunt. The only other option I have is to book a round trip flight from Penang to Sinapore or Thailand for a date three months in, and show the airline that as proof that i'm leaving the country after 3 months. This is expensive, for something that I'm not even going to use. And I cannot be certain that i can refund the ticket later:( Ooooo my head hurts...it's all so much to take in. It is really hard for me, seeing as i worked my butt off this past year at two jobs(12 hour days) saving up for this...just to be let down in the end. My mom says that if it doesn't work out and I cannot get a visa or the ticket thing doesn't work out, i should still go and do the first part(three months training) then come home. I will do this, seeing as my ticket is non refundable and that would be a major waste of hard earned cash. It just really sucks, because the whole point of the training is to go on the outreach part after! It would be hard to develope relationships with these people and grow close to them, and then have to leave them. it is really late... i should go to bed.

1 month:10 days= Malaysia!!

Wooooooooooooooooooo I got in! jump around, jump around!! yea:) ok, so as you have noticed, i am extemely happy right now because i checked my email this morning, and found in my inbox an acceptance letter from YWAM Penang. This is so exciting i could scream...however i won't because it is just after 10pm and people in my house are sleeping:P...so ya... i guess i will be booking flights within the next couple of days...i believe my aunt is going to fly with me seeing as i will have two connections, in Hong Kong and Bangkok! I'm totally ok with flying alone, but just the thought of connecting twice in two foriegn coutries is a little nerve rackng and i would greatly appriciate her company. So 6 months of my life spent in far away countries, some being third world(our outreach faze) should be a real eye opener and life changing time for me. It will be neat having a new family for 6 months....and a huge one at that! I cannot wait to meet all the other students from around the would and my DTS leaders and professors. I find it crazy that i will be there in a month and 10 days! So soonnnn!!! o, well thats all the excitement for one night.

cheers

song = my heart

"Every day
Keep making the same mistakes
Once again
I find myself in the same old place
And I'm wandering
Wondering
Where to turn
There's a dead end
Straight ahead
Won't you take me home?

And you said
There's nothing you wouldn't do
And I answered
There's nothing in this world I need you to do
Just hold me
In your arms
I feel so cold
There are dark clouds
Gathering
Won't you take me home?

Oh, won't you take me home?

Got me wandering
Wondering
Where to turn
There are dark clouds
Gathering
Won't you take me home?

Oh please, won't you take me home?

Oh, won't you take me home? "-Aqualung

waiting

Ohhhhhhh I hope i get in! I'm worried I got my hopes up for nothing. I just really want something out of the ordinary next year. oh bananas!!!! Why do the things you want take so long? Perhaps because again, i need to learn patience and be at peace with either responce. Oh, I guess I should mention that this venting blog is about YWAM. I'm still here in Canada, waiting. Longing to be in malaysia and beyond next fall.

...

Thinking of you

I love you so much. I think of you ...wondering what you're doing, where your journey is taking you; wishing I was a part of it. I feel you in the wind, and see you in the smallest things...memories come flooding back when I go where we once were together ... I smile at the thought of you. I wish I could just be with you, sit with you...be close to you. Patiently, I wait for you.

Brian's Farm

Brian...I really really really times 1,000,000 love your farm! Thanks for inviting Tim, Bethany and I to spend the night. It was such an awsome time...loved the campfire, endless smores, eating one and a half hamburgers, swimming in the lake out to the island and homemade waffles with icecream and strawberries!!Good times, good memories. Lets do it again sometime soon:)


On another note.... listening to Switchfoots 'This Is Your LIfe'....flippin good song!

my heart hurts so much right now.

Oh Bono!

"Even though I'm a believer, I still find it really hard to be around other believers. They make me nervious, they make me twitch. I sorta watch my back. Except when I'm with the black church. I feel relaxed, feel at home; my kids...I can take them there; there's singing, there's music."

~Bono

he is so good...

thanks Becca

God's heart toward you(women):

For Zion's sake I will not keep silent,
for Jerusalem's sake I will not remain quiet,
till her righteousness shines out like the dawn [until you shimmer],
her salvation like a blazing torch.
The nations will see your righteousness,
and all kings your glory [your beauty],
you will be called by a new name
that the mouth of the Lord will bestow.
You will be a crown of splender in the Lord's hand [the crown of creation],
a royal diadem in the hand of your God.
No longer will they call you Deserted,
or name your land Desolate.
But you will be called Hephzibah [my delight is in her],
and your land Beulah [married];
for the Lord will take delight in you,
and your land will be married.
As a young man marries a maiden [he pursues her, romances her]...
as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride [you are lovely],
so will your God rejoice over you. (Isa. 62:1-5, emphasis added)

" But all who devour you will be devoured;
all your enemies will go into exile.
Those who plunder you will be plundered;
all who make spoil of you I will despoil.
But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds,"
declares the Lord,
"because you are called an outcast,
Zion for whom no one cares." (Jer. 30:16-17)

Anais Nin

"Then the time came when the risk it took
To remain tight in a bud was more painful
Than the risk it took to blossom."

Malaysia!!

YWAM Malaysia emailed me today and told me to mail in my application as soon as possible.. and that their program is filling up fast! My heart is there....just thinking about it gets me so excited:) This is what i honestly live for. Missions, overseas travel and development of third world countries! I want to live my life making a difference in the lives of these people. I want to bless them with all God has given me. He has places this on my heart. Our young adults group has started a series on 'The Dream Giver'. I can't wait to read this book! Allready, after the first session, so much has been revealed. It is helping me figure our this amazing dream I have and realize that it is possible... it is hard work and there will be a lot of ups and downs, but it is POSSIBLE... All things are possible in him. So I'm filling out the application out right now. I feel like it isn't filling out fast enough..haha. My hand is shaking even just writing answers to the questions. I'm so excited! I guess I should calm down seeing as I am not accepted yet. If he wants me there, it will happen:)

cheers, andriah

Corinthians

2nd
12: 9-10

but he said to me, " My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weakness, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in dificulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

the other side of the world!

YEA:)

Smiles all around! Heather, my long lost humble friend who is living her life in the heart of Korea sent out a mass email yesturday to everyone back home. I cried...tears of joy of course. She is teaching ESL over there, and has been since September. I love her to bits and miss her lots! Heather, if your reading this... I wrote you the bestest email the other day, then the computer froze to my dismay. Just so you know. I will try again. I'm so glad that she is doing well, and that she is a proud new aunt to Finnigan Garrett Ohrt! Amazing name huh.. I want a nephew named Finnigan. Oh well...

On another note, I am very very sore! Kathleen and I went jogging up near the bruce trail...eeeeeee... not sure if I want to continue. I think I will stick to swimming as a workout. Speaking of Kathleen, I watched You've Got Mail yesturday with a cup of tea. I love that movie. I love Meg Ryan... love stories...I must watch Sleepless in Seatle soon!...went off topic.... back to being sore...On Saturday, I went mountian biking with Becca on her many acres of property. I've decided I like going downhill the best!

Still haven't heard from Sheridan, but I'm suddenly peaceful about the situation. Been talking wth a few people who are going...some seem like pretty great roomate possiblities. I'm trusting God in this.

Ohhhh sappy story. Kt's friend Laura and her boyfriend Matt, were backpacking in South America; after Laura was working in Bolivia with special needs Kids.While In Peru, Matt proposed! So awsome! And with special handmade wooden rings! I am so happy for them. They are the sweetest couple. Kt has the coolest friends who I have the pleasure of meeting.

Thats all the updates for now.

cheers :)

God is my solace

" God...
grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

Jeremiah

29:11

For I know the plans I have for you...plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

not content

my days. here it be:

-wake up
-shower
-eat
-go to work
-come home
-eat
-check email
-post in blog
-read
-go to bed

my dreams.

-wake up
-wash hair in the river
-play with the village children
-bless and be blessed
-make music
-dance
-laugh
-soak up the culture
-make kids smile
-watch the sunset
-be in awe
-start all over again

...some day.

once apon a time

once apon a time in a dream i saw love and the sun