faking strength

these past few days have been hard. i'm drained, and if i seem strong on the outside, i'm faking it. i'm feeling really tested. crap keeps happening, and i don't know how much more i can take. faith wise, i feel like i'm taking one step forward, and then two steps back. things that once seemed so easy to understand, are now so trivial. relationship that were on the mend, suddenly crash again. maybe i should pray about it...i just feel so distant from God today. i'm terrible at this whole walk of faith thing....as soon as the going gets tough, i'm lost and angry at him. my sister's sick again, the car broke down, and trip complications are all getting the best of me. i find myself just crying. i don't want this again...things were looking up for a while; i had a healthy perspective. it's all fading...

words are powerful. the things you do and say can really affect people deeply; so are the things you don't do and don't say. each days reveals to me how complex life really is, and it seems the older i get, the less i know. i lack wisdom... i don't seek it diligently like some....maybe i should. i want to be someone who reveals an honest heart. so this is it. this is me being honest. i don't feel worthy of much right now. i'm second guessing myself on everything. should i go to malaysia? maybe all of these trails are here for a reason...maybe God is showing me i'm not suppost to go. or maybe i'm using that as an excuse, because i'm scared out of my mind to go. my self confidence is low. i don't like admitting that......because confidence is beautiful. i wish i were more confident for this reason, and radiated beauty. i don't feel very beautiful right now. some people tell me i am, but i honestly don't feel like any boy would look at me and see someone beautiful. i'm still trying so hard to focus on the inside, in a world where people focus on the outside. it's hard.

seeing many of my friends in awsome relationships, some getting married; all of it makes me want the same. one of the desires of my heart is to get married and raise a family. while many people dream of geting the job of their dreams, becoming famous, or getting rich, i dream of a family. sharing life with one special person..a best friend, through good and bad, laughter and arguements. someone to grow old with. the experience of raising a child; silly things like taking them to soccer practice, or making them soup when they're sick, and staying up all night with them. to me it is so beautiful. maybe it all sounds silly...maybe it's not, i really don't know. all i know is, these are things i feel.

knowing everyone goes throught these times helps, but at the same time, no one seems to share about this stuff....i wish they did. we shouldn't be so afraid to show our vunerability. life would be more rich if we did. no one needs to hear this more then myself. writing this blog has been good for me. now i'm going to be vulnerable and push publish post. 'therefore, it is in your best intrest to fine a way to be very tender'.